.. [ Orchestra: Pastoral ]
[ Birds Twittering ]
. There's a bunch of birds .
. ln the sky .
. And some deers .
. Just went running by .
. Oh, the snow's pure and white .
. On the earth rich and brown .
. Just another Sunday morning .
. ln my quiet .
. Mountain town .
- [ Groans ] - . The sun is shining and the grass is green .
. Under the three feet of snow, l mean .
. This is a day when it's hard to wear a frown .
. All the happy people stop to say hello .
- Get out of my way! - . Even though the temperature's low .
. lt's a perfect Sunday morning .
. ln my quiet little mountain town .
Well, good morning, Stan.
- Mom, can l have eight dollars to see a movie? - A movie?
Yeah. lt's gonna be the best movie ever. lt's a foreign film from Canada.
All right. But be back for supper.
Thanks, Mom.
. Oh, what a picture-perfect child .
. Just like Jesus he's tender and mild .
. He'd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown .
. What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure .
. And a mind so open and pure .
. Thank God we live in this quiet, redneck mountain town .
Dude! Dude, wake up!
[ Stan ] Kenny, come on!
[ Muffled ] Coming!
The Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna come?
- [ Muffled ] Sure. Let's go! - Where do you think you're goin'?
- [ Muffled Reply ] - You can't. You have to go to church.
- [ Whining ] - [ Mother ] Well, fine.
Go ahead and miss church.
Then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
[ Muffled ] Okay!
. You can see your breath hanging in the air .
. You see homeless people but you just don't care .
. lt's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown .
.. [ Muffled Singing ]
That's right! . lt's Sunday morning .
[ Choir Joins ln ] . ln our quiet, little .
. White-bread redneck mountain town .
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bah!
- Ready, lke? Kick the baby! - Don't kick the baby.
- Kick the baby! - [ lke Shrieks, Giggles ]
lke! You broke another window!
That's a bad baby! Bad baby!
Kyle, we're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
- Oh, my God, dude! - Kyle! Where are you going?
Uh, ice skating.
Well, take your little brother with you.
- He's not even my real brother. He's adopted. - Do as l say, Kyle!
Okay, okay, l'm sorry.
. Look at those frail and fragile boys .
. lt really gets me down .
. The world is such a rotten place .
. And city life's a complete disgrace .
. That's why l moved to this redneck, meshugeneh .
. Quiet mountain .
. Town .
- lke! Bad baby! - [ Murmurs ]
[ TV Announcer ] This program is brought to you by Snacky Smores...
- the creamy fun of Smores in a delightful cookie crunch. - [ Doorbell Rings ]
Mom! Somebody's at the door!
- Coming, hon. - Aah! l can't see the TV!
lt's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars...
and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
Oh, look, Eric. lt's your little friends.
- Cartman! - What are you guys doing here?
Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!
. Off to the movies we shall go .
. Where we learn everything that we know .
. 'Cause the movies teach us .
. What our parents don't have time to say .
. And this movie's gonna make our lives complete .
. 'Cause Terrance and Phillip .
- . Are sweet . - Super sweet!
. Thank God we live in the quiet .
-. Little, redneck podunk, white-trash . -Whoo-whoo!
. U... S... .
. A ..
Can l have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip's Asses of Fire, please?
No!
What do you mean, ""no""?
Asses of Fire has been rated ""R""...
by the Motion Picture Association of America.
You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
- But why? - Because this movie has naughty language!
- Next, please. - [ Cash Register Rings ]
- This can't be happening. - We have to see this movie, dude.
Ah, screw it. lt probably isn't all that good anyway.
Cartman, you love Terrance and Phillip!
Yeah, but the animation's all crappy.
Wait. l've got an idea.
Uh, hi. l want six tickets to Asses of Fire.
This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.
He says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
Look, Mr. Homeless Guy, if you don't want to buy us tickets...
and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.
- Six tickets, please. - [ Register Rings ]
[ Murmuring ]
- Let me have some candy, Cartman. - Oh, let's see.
Uh, nope, l don't have any Jewish candy.
Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!
- Ba-ba-ba-bah! - Shh! The movie's starting.
- Hooray! - Say, Terrance.
What did the Spanish priest say to the lranian gynecologist?
l don't know, Phillip. What?
- [ Fart ] - [ Laughing Hysterically ]
- [ Laughing ] - Where do they come up with this stuff?
You're such a pig fucker, Phillip!
[ Gasps ] What did he say?
Why would you call me a pig fucker?
Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
- Oh, yeah. - [ Laughing Hysterically ]
[ Terrance ] Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
Oh, you shit-faced cockmaster!
- [ All ] Wow! - Shit-faced cockmaster.
Listen, you donkey-raping shit-eater.
- Donkey-raping shit-eater. - [ Babbling ] Shit-eater.
- You'd fuck your uncle! - You'd fuck your uncle!
. Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
. You're a cock-sucking ass-licking uncle fucker .
. You're an uncle fucker Yes, it's true .
. Nobody fucks uncles quite like you .
. Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
. You're the one that fucked your uncle uncle fucker .
. You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn .
. You just fuck your uncle all day long .
- .. [ Rhythmic Farting ] - Hmm!
.. [ Rhythmic Farting Continues ]
[ Disgusted Murmuring ]
[ Terrance, Phillip Laughing Hysterically ]
- [ Loud Fart ] - What's going on here?
.. [ Rhythmic Farting Continues ]
- What garbage! - Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian.
[ Chorus ] . Uncle fucker .
. Uncle fucker, uncle fucker Uncle fucker .
- . Oooh-ooh . - [ Fart ]
- . Shut your fucking face uncle fucker . - . Uncle fucker .
. You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker .
. You're a uncle fucker l must say .
. Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday . [ Laughing ]
. Uncle fucker That's U .
. N-C-L-E . Fuck you!
. Uncle fucker ..
Suck my balls.
Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
- You bet your fucking ass it was. - Fuck, dude, l wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip.
- Wait a minute. Where's your guardian? - Huh?
l knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit-eater!
[ Fart ] Yeah.
. Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
[ All ] . You're an ass-licking ball-sucking uncle fucker .
- Hey, hey, hey! - [ Laughing ]
Ahhh!
- Where have you guys been? - Oh, nowhere.
We just went to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
- [ Gasping, Chattering ] - How'd you get in?
Hey, stop crowding us, you shit-faced cockmasters!
[ All ] Wow!
You're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
- [ All ] Ooooh! - We've got to see this movie.
Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.
[ Voice-over ] . There's the girl that l like .
Hey, Stan, tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal wart.
. Now more than ever she gives me butterflies .
. lt makes my stomach queasy .
. Every time she walks by .
Asshole, l'm talking to you!
. l know l can be cool if l try ..
Hi, Stan.
Gross!
Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.
- Who are you, kid? - My name is Gregory.
l just transferred from Yardale, where l had a 4.0 grade point average.
Wanna skate with us?
We've been skating and laughing and talking of memories past.
- We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. - Oh-ho!
Try and catch me, Wendy.
Bye, Stan.
Yes, yes, l saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Who wants to touch me?
l said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?
- Ooh! - Come on, gang.
We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie too.
l hate you, Kenny.
[ Rooster Crowing ]
[ School Bell Ringing ]
. Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
. You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker .
- . You're a-- . Shh! Shh! - Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have a lot to learn today.
We sure do, Mr. Hat.
Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems.
What is 5 times 2?
Don't be shy. Just give it your best shot.
- Yes, Clyde. - Twelve?
Okay, now let's try to get an answer...
from someone who's not a complete retard.
Anyone? Come on. Don't be shy.
l think l know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
- [ Mocking Gibberish ] - Shut up, fat boy!
- Hey, don't call me fat, you fucking Jew! - Did you just say the ""F"" word?
- ""Jew""? - He's talking about ""fuck.""
- You can't say ""fuck"" in school, you fucking fat-ass. - Kyle!
- Why the fuck not? - Eric!
- Dude, you said ""fuck"" again. - Stanley!
- [ Muffled ] Fuck. - Kenny! - What's the big deal?
lt doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck-fuck!
How would you like to go see the school counselor?
How would you like to suck my balls?
- [ All Gasp ] - What did you say?
U-Uh, l'm sorry, l'm sorry. Actually, what l said was:
[ Feedback ]
How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?
Holy shit, dude.
[ Grunts ]
l'm very disappointed in you boys.
M'kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
- l've already called in your mothers-- - You called my mom?
- That's right. - Oh, no, dude!
- Mr. Mackey, can l ask a question? - M'kay, what?
- What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch? - Yeah!
Aaah! Now, l want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities! M'kay?
- Nowhere. - We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Boys, l seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, uh--
""Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker.""
- [ All Laughing ] - Sweet!
Uh-oh.
Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
This isn't like you, Stanley.
What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the ""S"" word?
- No, it was worse than that. - The ""F"" word?
Here's a short list of things they've been saying. M'kay?
- Oh, dear God. - What the heck is a rim job?
Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
Young man, tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
- l-- l-- - We can't tell you.
- We swore ourselves to secrecy. - lt was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
- Dude! - Fuck you guys. l wanna get out of here.
Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
What the heck is Terrance and Phillip?
Terrance and Phillip...
are two very untalented actors from Canada.
Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.
l'll send a warning letter to parents before more children see Terrance and Phillip.
- Everybody's fuckin' seein' it. - Eric!
l'm sorry. l can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
- My mom gave me egg again. - [ All Chattering ]
[ Voice-over ] . There's the girl that l like .
. Over there laughing with that smart new-- .
Hey! You're holding up the goddamn lunch line!
Hello there, children!
- Hey, Chef. - How's it goin'?
- Bad. - Why bad?
We got busted for swearing.
We can't ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again.
- Oh, that's too bad. - You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up.
He was scared out of his mind. Shut up.
l'd be scared too. Your mom's a fucking bitch.
Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Don't call me fat, you butt-fucking son of a bitch!
Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
[ Cartman ] Pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?
Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
- Huh? - Whoops!
- What does that mean, ""find the clitoris""? - Forget l said anything.
Move along. You're holding up the line.
You guys, do you know where l can find the clitoris?
- The what? - ls that like finding Jesus?
[ Mr. Mackey ] Attention, students. We are now enforcing a new dress code...
at South Park Elementary.
Terrance and Phillip T-shirts are no longer allowed in school.
Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately.
[ Children Cheering, Laughing, Chattering ]
The R-rated Canadian film Asses of Fire is number one at the box office.
But is the film destroying American youth?
Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.
lt appears the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching indeed.
All over America children seem to be influenced...
like at this spelling bee in Washington.
This is for the silver medal.
Spell ""forensics.""
Aw, fuck that. Why should l fucking have to spell ""forensics""?
- Yeah! - Here you go.
""S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S."" Forensics.
Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen...
with their new hit song, ""Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucker.""
[ Rapping ] . Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
. You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker .
. Eh-eh Eh-eh-eh-eh .
. l told you that we won't stop .
. Thought l told you that we won't stop ..
- Back to you, Tom. - Thanks, Midget. Shocking report.
The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park...
where the local P.T.A. is trying to ban the movie.
- With us tonight is the head of the P.T.A., Sheila Broflovski. - Hello.
- And the Canadian minister of movies. - Thanks for having me, buddy.
Minister, parents are concerned about your country's entertainment.
Your thoughts?
Well, the film is R-rated. lt's not intended for children--
- But of course children are gonna see it. - Can l finish?
- We Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage. - You just don't care!
Can l finish? Hello?
The United States has graphic violence on television all the time.
We can't believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much.
- Because it's evil! - Can l finish? Please! Can l finish?
Okay, l'm finished.
But it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada.
Let us not forget Bryan Adams.
The Canadian government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
You Canadians are all the same...
with your beady eyes and flapping heads.
- You're trash! - l resent that! l find that racist!
- Our children are now addicted to your trash. - You are a racist, ma'am!
lt is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!
Um, kids, l wanna welcome you to rehabilitation. M'kay?
Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork...
and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.
l don't belong with these rogues.
l attended Yardale and had a 4.0 grade point average.
You're a fuckin' faggot, dude.
M'kay, children, this is what l'm talking about.
We have to get you off of foul language.
- How are we gonna do that? - Well, listen here.
[ Speaking Song lntro ] There are times when you get suckered in...
by drugs and alcohol and sex with women-- m'kay?
But it's when you do these things too much...
. That you've become an addict and must get back in touch .
. You can do it lt's all up to you, m'kay .
. With a little plan you can change your life today .
. You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack .
. Homeless on the streets Giving hand jobs for crack .
. Follow my plan and very soon you will say .
. lt's easy, m'kay .
. Step one lnstead of ""ass,"" say ""buns"" .
. Like ""kiss my buns"" or ""you're a buns-hole"" .
. Step two lnstead of ""shit,"" say ""poo"" .
. As in ""bull-poo,"" ""poo-head"" and ""this poo is cold"" .
. Step three With ""bitch,"" drop the ""T"" .
. 'Cause bich is Latin for ""generosity"" .
. Step four Don't say ""fuck"" anymore .
. 'Cause ""fuck"" is the worst word that you can say .
. So just use the word ""m'kay"" .
. We can do it lt's all up to us .
- . M'kay . - M'kay.
. With a little plan we can change our lives today .
. You can change it today .
. You don't have to spend your life shooting up in the trash .
. Homeless on the streets Giving hand jobs for cash .
. Follow this plan and very soon you will say .
. lt's easy, m'kay .
- Step one. - lnstead of ""ass,"" say ""buns.""
Like ""kiss my buns.""
Or ""you're a buns-hole.""
- Step two. - lnstead of ""shit,"" say ""poo.""
- As in ""bull-poo."" - ""Poo-head.""
And ""this poo is cold.""
- Step three. - With ""bitch,"" drop the ""T.""
'Cause bich is Latin for ""generosity.""
- Step four! - . Don't say ""fuck"" anymore .
. 'Cause ""fuck"" is the worst word that you can say .
. ""Fuck"" is the worst word that you can say .
. We shouldn't say ""fuck"" No, we shouldn't say ""fuck"" .
- . Fuck no . - You're cured! You can go!
. You don't have to spend your life shooting up in the trash .
. Homeless on the streets Giving hand jobs for cash .
. Follow this plan and very soon you will say .
- . lt's easy, m'kay . - . lt's easy, m'kay .
- . lt's easy, m-- lt's easy, m-- .
. lt's easy, m'kay ..
- [ All Laughing ] - [ Mr. Mackey ] M'kay! M'kay!
M'kay.
Now you're cured.
You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection. M'kay?
Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m'kay?
[ Cackling ] Well, Phillip, l hope you've learned something...
through this whole experience.
l did. l learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart-fuck-face.
[ Both Cackling ]
Want to see the Northern Lights?
[ Poot ]
You burnt yourself to death by lighting your fart! [ Cackling ]
l sure did, Phillip!
. Uncle Fucker ..
Good night!
[ Cheering, Laughing ]
That movie rules!
Man, that movie gets better every time l see it.
- [ Attendant ] Hey! - Yeah, but that part about lighting farts is bullshit.
- You can't do that. - [ Muffled ] Yeah, you can.
- No way! - [ Muffled ] Yes, you can!
Okay, Kenny, l'll bet you $100 you can't light a fart on fire.
[ Muffled Reply ]
- [ Poot ] - [ Kenny Giggling ]
- [ Screaming ] - Holy shit, dude!
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Help! Somebody do something!
This stick is on fire!
[ Gasps ]
[ Kenny Screaming, Muffled ]
- Oh, my God! You killed Kenny! - You bastard!
l guess you can light a fart on fire.
[ Nurse ] Over here, Doctor!
- Load that l.V. with 70 ccs of sodium pentothol. - We just called the parents.
Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again.
Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!
- Dude! - No, that doesn't go there!
[ Screaming ]
- Ohh! - Gross, Stan! - That's sick!
- [ Nurse ] Watch his liver! - l'll get it!
- [ Continues Screaming ] - We have precious little time left!
- We're gonna lose him soon! - Doctor, his heart's stopped!
Let's get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick!
Who's making a potato?
My bad, sir. l missed lunch.
Damn it, l'm not gonna lose this kid!
[ Doctor ] Close him up. We've done all we can. The rest is up to God.
- Kenny? Kenny, can you hear me? - [ Muffled ] Holy shit, dude.
- How are you feeling, son? - [ Muffled Reply ]
Great. Son, l have some bad news.
We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have three seconds to live.
- [ Muffled ] What? - Fucking weak, dude!
Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Damn it! lt never gets any easier!
.. [ Whistling ]
l bet him he couldn't do it. l bet him $100.
Cartman, it's not your fault.
No, l know. l'm just fuckin' stoked l don't have to pay him.
Oh, that's real nice. He was your friend, you fat fuck!
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
- [ All ] Yes. - Well, Kyle, l have had it!
You are grounded for the next two weeks!
[ Gasps ] Grounded?
And you, Stan. Come on.
And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Why am l grounded more? That's fuckin' bullshit!
What was that word, young man?
[ Echoing ] ...word, young man? ...word, young man?
[ Male Singer, Ballad ] . Little boy at peace .
What is this place? . Beyond the stars .
. Open up your eyes .
. What are these things you're moving toward .
. Head so full of wonder .
. Worries in the past .
. Could it be that you are free at last .
[ Buzzer Sounding ]
No! Whoo-hoo!
- [ Singer Wailing ] - .. [ Heavy Metal ]
. Little boy you're going to Hell .
. You said bad words Threw rocks at the birds .
. And now this is your hotel .
. You ain't goin' back This ain't Disneyland lt's Hell .
- [ Roaring ] - [ Screaming ]
. Little boy it's time for you to pay .
. For hurtin' that bird and not goin to church and starin' at boobs every day .
. Thought you were in bed lnstead, you're in Hell .
- [ Whimpering ] - . Hell isn't good Hell isn't good, Hell .
. Oh, Hell isn't good Hell isn't good, Hell .
[ Shouting ln German ]
Hey, fuck-face, have you seen Gracie?
There is orderliness in the universe.
. Hell isn't good Hell isn't good .
. Hell ..
[ Poot ]
Parents, our children are out of control.
This is what happens when toilet humor is allowed to run rampant!
That's right. Kenny set himself on fire...
because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie!
We must stop dirty language from getting to our children's ears!
We must go fight the source of it!
- But what is the source? - Oh, that's easy.
. Times have changed Our kids are getting worse .
. They won't obey their parents .
. They just want to fart and curse .
. Should we blame the government .
. Or blame society .
. Or should we blame the images on TV .
- No! . Blame Canada . - . Blame Canada .
. Before their beady little eyes .
. Have packed their heads so full of lies .
. Blame Canada Blame Canada .
. We need to form a full assault .
. lt's Canada's fault .
. Don't blame me for my son Stan .
. He saw the darn cartoon and now he's off to join the Klan .
. And my boy Eric once had my picture on his shelf .
. But now when l see him he tells me to fuck myself .
Well? . Blame Canada .
. lt seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along .
. Blame Canada .
. They're not even a real country anyway .
. My son could've been a doctor or a lawyer rich and true .
. lnstead he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue .
- . Should we blame the matches . - . Should we blame the fire .
. Or the doctors who allowed him to expire .
Heck, no! . Blame Canada .
. With all their hockey hullabaloo .
. And that bitch Anne Murray too .
. Blame Canada Shame on Canada .
. For the smut we must stop The trash we must smash .
. The laughter and fun must all be undone .
. We must blame them and cause a fuss .
. Before somebody thinks of blaming us ..
All right, you turds, listen up!
Your moms are away at a meeting. They put me in charge of you.
But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun.
- Any questions? - Shelley, where's the clitoris?
Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut...
while l go listen to my Britney Spears records.
- [ Door Closes ] - Okay, it's clear.
[ Audience Applauding ]
Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now.
Please welcome Terrance and Phillip.
- Yea! - [ Studio Audience Booing ]
- Hello, Conan. - Hello, Brooke Shields.
Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humor is nothing but immature fart jokes.
That's not true. Take this classic Canadian joke, for instance.
- [ Clears Throat ] Excuse me, Terrance. - Yes, Phillip?
[ Poot ]
- [ Cackling ] - Gosh-darn it!
- Good one, Phillip. Cheers! - Cheers, fuck-face.
Guys, you can't say that on TV.
Now Terrance smells like my ass!
l farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
So, guys, does it make you nervous to be in America?
A lot of organizations here want you arrested for destroying children.
- They'd have to find us first. - You're right. Now!
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
Terrance and Phillip...
Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizen's arrest!
- Mom? - Dude, what the hell's going on?
We have a court order for your arrest!
- Phillip, we've been ambushed! - Here you go, Conan.
This little scrotum-sucker deceived us.
- You are a bad man! - Don't listen to them, Conan.
You loved our movie, Conan. We watched it together.
Remember? You laughed!
What have l done?
[ Screaming ]
[ Car Alarm Wailing ]
- [ Click ] - [ Alarm Stops ]
Holy crap! Did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
As the Canadian ambassador...
l condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.
- [ Muttering, Shouting ] - As you can see...
the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip.
- Without them, we are doomed to recession. - [ Gavel Bangs ]
What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?
[ Ambassadors Quiet ]
- Fuck Canada! - Hey, fuck you, buddy!
Terrance and Phillip will not be released.
They are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth.
We don't know what all the fuss is about.
The fuss is ""aboot"" taking our citizens!
lt's ""aboot"" not censoring our art. lt's ""aboot""--
What's so goddamn funny?
N-Nothing. Nothing.
Could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
This is not ""aboot"" diplomacy; this is ""aboot"" dignity.
This is ""aboot"" respect. This is ""aboot"" realizing that humor is--
- [ Laughing Continues ] - You guys are dicks!
Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry ""aboot""!
Stop! Stop!
Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! Were nearing the target!
Bombs ready, buddy!
- [ Phone Rings ] - Baldwin residence.
No, this is Billy Baldwin!
lf you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid!
- Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin? - No. What?
- Nothing! - Yeah! [ Laughing ]
Ha-ha! You missed me!
[ School Bell Rings ]
Children, your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
How come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
- [ All ] Yeah! - That's gay.
Well, your moms are just upset.
- They're probably all on their periods or something. - Not cool.
Mr. Garrison, Wendy and l think that was a sexist statement.
l'm sorry, Wendy, but l just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Anyway, children, let's start off with some vocabulary.
- [ Mr. Mackey ] Attention, students! - Oh, what now?
Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement. M'kay?
[ All Chattering ]
- What's goin' on, Chef? - Something big, children.
Chef, l can't find the clitoris. You have to help me.
- Stan, the clitoris is-- - Take your seats, everyone. They're about to announce it.
- M'kay? - This is a state of emergency.
We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of the United States.
My fellow Americans...
at 5:00 a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy...
the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins.
ln response to this...
the U.S. has declared war on Canada.
[ All Gasp ]
- Oh, no! - War?
- No, Gregory, no! - This is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me.
All the Baldwins are dead?
Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians.
ln two days' time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip...
will be executed.
They're gonna kill them?
And now l'd like to bring out my newly appointed secretary of offense...
Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
- Holy shit, dude! - My fellow Americans...
our neighbor to the north has abused us for the last time.
l have a plan as commander-in-chief--
Canadians want to fight us because we won't tolerate their potty mouths.
Well, if it is war they want...
then war they shall have!
Dude, this is fucking weak.
How could things be any worse?
[ Whimpering ]
Fallen one, l am Satan.
l am your god now.
[ Shrieking ]
There is no escape!
[ Whimpering ]
Now feel the delightful pain.
Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news?
A war just broke out up on Earth.
Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil!
- Huh? - Move over, Satan. You're hoggin' all the fun.
- [ Metal Clanking ] - Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is gettin' me so hot!
- [ Continues Whimpering ] - Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?
- Come on, rub my nipples while l torture this little piggy. - Could l talk to you a second?
l don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
Hey, relax, guy!
Well, sometimes l think you don't have any respect for me.
Hey, come here, guy.
- Who's my cream puff? - l am.
- That's right, baby. - Huh?
Dude, l don't wanna be at war.
You don't think they're really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?
Kyle, you need to stand up to your mother.
Smack her in the face and say, ""That's enough of your shit, you fuckin' bitch!""
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
You guys, stop it. This isn't helping. We've got to think here.
Let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
- Hey, what's goin' on? - America thinks it has the right to police the world.
Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens, an action condemned by the U.N.
Home of the free, indeed.
- Let's play tetherball. - [ All ] Yeah!
This is about freedom of speech, about censorship!
Can't you guys be more political like Gregory?
[ Voice-over ] . There's the girl that l like .
. Now it appears that she likes another guy .
. lt must be because he's political and stuff .
. l bet l could be political too ..
What do you think, Sta--
- Oh, God! [ Wailing ] - Damn it!
- You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault. - Shut up, Cartman!
Kyle's mom started that damn club, and all because she's a big, fat, stupid b--
Don't say it, Cartman.
. Well-- .
Don't do it, Cartman!
. Well-- .
- l'm warning you! - Okay, okay.
l'm gettin' pretty sick of him calling my mom--
. Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch She's a big, fat bitch .
. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world .
. She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch .
. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls .
Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
. On Monday she's a bitch On Tuesday she's a bitch .
. On Wednesdays and Saturdays she's a bitch .
. Then on Sunday just to be different .
. She's a super King Kamehameha ""bee-utch"" .
Come on! You all know the words!
. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom .
. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world .
. She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair .
. She's a big, big, big, big Big, big bitch .
. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch She's a stupid bitch .
- Whoo! - . Kyle's mom's a bitch .
- . And she's such a dirty bitch . - Bitch!
Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this:
.. [ Mock Chinese ]
.. [ Mock French ]
.. [ Mock Dutch, Yodeling ]
.. [ Mock African Language ]
. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom .
. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world .
. She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair .
- . She's a bitch, bitch, bitch bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch . - [ All Gasp ]
. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch .
- . She's a stupid bitch . - Uh, Cartman--
. Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's such a dirty bitch .
. l really mean it .
. Kyle's mom .
. She's a big, fat .
. Fuckin' bitch .
. Big old fat fuckin' bitch Kyle's mom ..
Yeah! Shh-kah!
What?
Oh, fuck.
[ Sheila ] Okay, everyone, settle down!
As we continue to send troops into Canada...
M.A.C. is also fighting the war against potty mouths here at home.
Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
- [ Clears Throat ] - [ Audience Murmuring ]
The machinery of the V-chip is very simple.
lt is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity...
whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
lt's just like a lie detector. Things happen to you when you swear just like when you lie.
The chip picks up on this and gives the subject a little prick.
Patient B-5, would you step out here, please.
Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.
- Ow, my head hurts. - Don't worry about that.
Now, l want you to say ""doggy.""
- ""Doggy."" - Notice that nothing happens.
Now say ""Montana.""
- Montana. - Good!
- Now ""pillow."" - Pillow.
All right, now l want you to say ""horse fucker.""
Go ahead, Eric. lt's all right.
- Horsefu-- Aaah! Yiii! - [ All Gasping ]
That hurt, godda-- Aiii! Oww! Fuck-- Aaah!
Now l'd like you to say ""big floppy donkey dick.""
No! Success!
The child doesn't want to swear!
This isn't fair, you sons of bitches-- Yaaaah!
- We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week. - [ Zapping, Screaming ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Announcer ] Snacky Smores presents:
Let's hear it for our boys in blue.
President Clinton has called them to action to fight the evil Canadian scourge.
A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto...
after the Canadians' last bombing...
which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family.
For security measures, our great American government...
is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood and putting them into camps.
All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these death camps right away.
Did l say ""death camps""?
l meant happy camps, where you will eat the finest meals...
have access to fabulous doctors and be able to exercise regularly.
Meanwhile, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip are prepped for their execution.
Their execution will take place...
during a fabulous U.S.O. show...
with special guest celebrities including:
Of course, the only way to see the U.S.O. show is to sign up for the Army.
So join the Army and kill some Canadian scum as we continue:
We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!
- [ Man ] Down with Canada! - [ Woman ] Bomb them!
Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Of course not. My mommy says l hate Canadians now 'cause they made me have a dirty mouth.
Burn it all!
- Hey, dudes. - What's the matter, Cartman?
- lt's this V-chip. l hate it. l can't say any dirty words. - Really?
- So you can't say ""fuck""? - No.
- And you can't say ""shit""? - Nope.
So you can't say, ""l'm Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?""
- Fuck you-- Aaaaah! - Dude! Sweet!
This has gone far enough. lt's time we talked to our moms.
We're supposed to be grounded.
Come on, Kyle. lt's time for us to get political.
Canada will no longer corrupt our children!
Mom, can l talk to you?
Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded!
Now get back to the house and stay there!
- You too, Stanley. - Mom, we think you're going too far.
You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
We must fight for our children's futures!
You're starting a war. You have to stop it.
- To make them safe again! - Hello?
- Our children are precious! - Hello!
We must make a stand now!
Stop at nothing!
l told you my mom wouldn't listen.
- Then we're gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves. - What? What?
What would Brian Boitano do?
He'd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they're executed.
We can't do anything. Our moms' organization is too strong.
Then we'll round up all the grounded kids in town and start our own organization...
to help save Terrance and Phillip.
Hey, yeah! Our own secret club!
- l guess that could work. - We have to try.
. What would Brian Boitano do .
. lf he was here right now .
. He'd make a plan and he'd follow through .
. That's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics .
. Skating for the gold .
. He did two salchows and a triple lutz .
. While wearing a blindfold .
. When Brian Boitano was in the Alps .
. Fighting grizzly bears .
. He used his magical fire breath .
. And saved the maidens fair .
. So what would Brian Boitano do .
. lf he were here today .
. l'm sure he'd kick an ass or two .
. That's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. l want this V-chip out of me .
. lt has stunted my vocabulary .
. And l just want my mom to stop fighting everyone .
. For Wendy l'll be an activist too .
. 'Cause that what Brian Boitano would do .
. And what would Brian Boitano do .
. He'd call all the kids in town .
. And tell them to unite for truth .
. That's what Brian Boitano'd do .
- Did someone say my name? - Who are you?
- l'm Brian Dennehy. - What?
No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Get the fuck outta here.
Oh. Bye.
. When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010 .
. He fought the evil robot king .
. And saved the human race again .
. And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan .
. 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit .
. From anybody .
. So let's call all the kids together .
. And unite to stop our moms .
. And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too .
. 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too .
. 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do ..
[ Saddam ] Hey, relax, guy!
- [ Satan ] Oh, there's nothing on. - [ TV, lndistinct ]
- You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all. - l'm not cranky!
What started as a spat between the U.S. and Canada is quickly turning into World War Three.
- [ Excitedly ] World War Three? - Shh!
Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity.
- The time of execution has-- - [ Clicks TV Off ]
lt has come to be. The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh.
The time of prophecy is upon us!
l love when you get all biblical, Satan. You know exactly how to turn my crank!
No, l'm being serious.
- lt is the seventh sign. - What?
Behold, the first signs of my reign have all come true.
The fall of an empire, the coming of a comet...
and now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil...
it will be our time to rise!
- [ Gasps ] - Yeah! Yeah!
Man, l'm gettin' so hot! Let's fuck!
Do you always think about sex? l'm talking about very important stuff here!
l'm just excited about taking over the world! Come on!
ls sex the only thing that matters to you?
l love you.
l want to believe that.
So what do you say you shut off that light and get close, huh?
[ Rustling ]
- [ Squishy Plunging Sound ] - [ Satan Groans ] Ohh. Oww.
[ Saddam ] Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?
Okay, we can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.
Before we put a message out, do a search on ""clitoris.""
Oh, okay.
- ""Found: Eight million pages with the word 'clitoris.'"" - Wow!
l'll just try the first one. ""You must be 18 to enter this web site.""
Okay. ""Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video.
lf you are under 18, do not--''
- Well, okay. - [ Click ]
- .. [ Techno ] - [ Man ] Du hast Scheisse gern.
- Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on! - Whoa! ls it Cartman's mom?
- Oh, very funny. - Hey, it is Cartman's mom!
- Essen mein Scheisse! - [ Cartman's Mom ] All righty, then.
- Aw, son of a bit-- Aaaaah! - [ Zapping ]
- Ba-ba-ba-bah! - Get out of here, lke! You're too young for this.
- [ Gurgling ] Bullshit. - What's he doing now?
- [ Man ] Essen mein Scheisse! - Okey-dokey!
[ Farting ]
- [ All Screaming ] - [ German Continues ]
Click it off, dude!
What the fuck is wrong with German people?
All right, let's just do what we came here to do and put a message out to kids.
l've gotta put out an all-access e-mail. Goddamn, your mom sucks.
- Just get to the message board. - l'm trying.
l can't find a Canadian server. l've got to break into the mainframe.
Damn it, they've got an access code. l'll try to reroute the encryptions.
Okay, here we go. ""Want to help Terrance and Phillip?""
[ Kyle Reading ]
- Tell 'em we'll have punch and pie. - We're not!
More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!
""This is top secret. The password is...""
La Resistance.
[ Radio Announcer ] And so the draft will begin tomorrow...
as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border.
The Canadian government pleads for a peaceful resolution...
but naturally, we're not listening.
Good night, hon.
Mom, when is the war gonna be over?
l don't know, hon. Soon, we hope.
You want it to end quickly, huh?
- Mom? - Yes, hon?
lf you were in a German Scheisse video, you'd tell me, right?
Sure, hon. Good night!
[ Whooshing ]
[ Gasps ]
Aaaaaaah!
- Poltergeist! - [ Muffled ]
- Kenny, is that you? - [ Panicked, Muffled Chatter ]
- Satan? Satan is coming here? - [ Continues Chattering ]
Saddam Hussein? That doesn't make sense, Kenny!
- [ Angry, Muffled Reply ] - Aaaaaaaah!
Eric! Eric, what is it?
- l saw him! l saw Kenny! - Oh, you poor dear.
You've been through so much.
l bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off--
Aaaah! l can't say ""pissed off""? Aaaah!
The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent.
Soon Saddam and l will rule the world.
[ Sinister Laughter ]
Hey, Satan! l got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth!
Let's fuck to celebrate!
What's it like up on Earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.
Let's not talk. Let's get busy!
When you first got here we used to talk all night long until the sun came up.
We would just lie in bed and talk.
Well, yeah, 'cause l was still waitin' to get you in bed, dummy!
How come you always want to make love to me from behind?
ls it because you want to pretend l'm somebody else?
Satan. Your ass is gigantic and red.
Who am l gonna pretend you are? Liza Minnelli?
Aww, don't get all pissy!
[ Sighs ]
. Sometimes l think .
. When l look up real high .
. That there's such a big world up there .
. l'd like to give it a try .
. But then l sink .
. 'Cause it's here l'm supposed to stay .
. But l get so lonely down here .
. Tell me, why does it have to be that way .
. Up there there is so much room .
. Where babies burp and flowers bloom .
. Everyone dreams l could dream too .
. Up there .
. Up where the skies are ocean blue .
. l could be safe and live without a care .
. Up there .
- . They say l don't belong . - [ Backup Singers ] . Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh .
- . l must stay below alone . - . Oooh-ooh .
. Because of my beliefs .
. l'm supposed to stay where evil is sown .
- . Oooh ooh-ooh-oooh . - . But what is evil anyway .
- . ls there reason to the rhyme . - . Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh .
. Without evil there could be no good .
. So it must be good to be evil sometimes .
. Up there there is so much room .
. Where babies burp and flowers bloom .
. Everyone dreams l can dream too .
. Up there .
. Up where the skies are ocean blue .
- . l could be safe and live without a care . - . Without a care .
- . Live without a care . - . lf l could .
. lf only l could live .
[ Falsetto ] . Up there .
. l wanna live l wanna live up .
. Oooooh, yeah Oooooh .
. l want to live .
. Up there ..
Ohhh!
- You're late, Cartman! - l had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
- Your ""behind""? - l had to say ""behind"" because l'll get shocked if l say ass--
- Aaaaah! - Did you bring the punch and pie?
No. You guys, something happened.
l don't think Kenny's dead.
- What? - l saw him in my room.
l know, Cartman. l see Kenny every day.
- You do? - Sure, dude. On the face of every child.
On the smile of every baby.
l'm telling you this was Kenny!
He said that if Terrance and Phillip die...
Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world.
Saddam Hussein?
- [ Knocking On Door ] - [ Gasps ]
- Who is it? - [ Gregory Whispering ] l'm here for La Resistance.
- What's the password? - Uh, l don't know.
- Guess. - Uh, bacon.
Okay.
Viva La Resistance.
- Oh, no! lt's that kid! - This is the place.
- Wendy? - Stan? You started La Resistance?
You're more political than we thought.
Let us get this meeting underway. There are others coming.
[ Chattering ]
Wow. A lot of people showed up.
Okay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed...
and we thinks that sucks ass!
- Yes? - Uh, we were to understand there'd be pie and punch.
- There isn't any. - Oh.
Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed...
so we think we should prank-call a bunch of policemen...
and have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order.
Viva La Resistance!
- Oh-- [ Sighs ] - Uh--
- May l? - What?
Terrance and Phillip are being held...
at a Canadian internment camp two kilometers outside of town.
They are to be executed tomorrow during a star-studded U.S.O. show for the troops.
- Tomorrow? - Once the show begins...
we have one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell and into this clearing.
There we will all rendezvous and take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.
Wow, dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.
Meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely 10:00 p.m.
Sneaking in and breaking out Terrance and Philip will be the most dangerous part...
so l'll go myself.
- No. We're going. - [ Gasp ]
We'll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendezvous point.
This will be very dangerous.
- Are you quite sure? - Fuck that-- Aaaah!
Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever? We're going!
Now let's run through the plan.
Now, uh, when you shoot somebody...
go for someone wide open.
Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!
Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!
[ Voice Box ] l think we're fighting Canadians.
Canadians, Australians. What's the difference?
This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
lt sure does, Mr. Garrison.
l can't wait for our first shore leave so l can get me some fuckin' poontang.
Pay attention! Tomorrow night is the U.S.O. show for all you troops.
There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
- Yeah! - Whoo!
After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada...
so let's strategize.
Map!
Our sources have told us...
that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution.
Each battalion has a specific code name and mission.
Battalion Five, raise your hands.
You will be the all-important first attack wave...
which we will call Operation Human Shield.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Operation Human Shield will suffer heavy losses.
Battalion 14?
Right. You are Operation Get Behind The Darkies.
You will follow Battalion Five here and try not to get killed.
Are there any questions, men?
- Yes, soldier? - Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
l don't listen to hip-hop.
After that we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will--
[ Echoing ] Comin' to get ya!
What's wrong with this thing?
Fuckin' Windows 98!
Get Bill Gates in here!
You told us Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the lnternet!
lt is faster. Over five million--
All right, men, get lots of rest...
and prepare to go into Canada!
After you have Terrance and Phillip, make your way to this ridge.
We'll be there, but we cannot wait long. lf you're not there at 10:00, we will have to leave.
- Gotcha. - You are indeed brave, but you will need help.
Here is the address of the Mole.
- The Mole? - An expert in covert operations. A mercenary for hire.
Your first task will be obtaining him.
Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow we will all be risking our lives for freedom.
[ Slow Tempo ] . God has smiled upon you this day .
. The fate of a nation .
. ln your hands .
. And blessed be the children .
. Who fight with all our bravery .
. Till only the righteous stand .
. You see the distant flames They bellow in the night .
. You fight in all our names for what we know is right .
. And when you all get shot and cannot carry on .
. Though you die La Resistance lives on .
. You may get stabbed in the head with a dagger or a sword .
. You may be burned to death or skinned alive or worse .
. But when they torture you you will not feel the need to run .
. For though you die La Resistance lives on .
. Blame Canada Blame Canada .
. Because the country's gone awry .
. Tomorrow night these freaks will fry .
. Tomorrow night .
. Our lives will change .
. Tomorrow night .
. We'll be entertained .
. An execution .
. What a sight Tomorrow night .
. Up there there is so much room .
. Where babies burp and flowers bloom .
. Tomorrow night up there is doomed .
. And so l will be going soon .
. Shut your fucking face uncle fucker .
. You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker .
. Looks like we may be out of luck .
. Tomorrow night we're pretty fucked .
. Why did our mothers start this war .
. What the fuck are they fighting for .
. When did this song become a marathon .
- . l want to be . - . When Canada is dead and gone .
- . Up there . - . There'll be no more Celine Dion .
- . They might cut your dick in half . - . Tomorrow night .
- . And serve it to a pig . - . Our lives will change .
- . And though it hurts you'll laugh . - . Tomorrow night .
- . And dance a dickless jig . - . We'll be entertained .
. But that's the way it goes .
. ln war you're shat upon .
- . l want to be . - . Though you die La Resistance lives on .
.. [ All Songs Climaxing Simultaneously ]
. Blame Canada Blame Canada .
- . Blame Canada .. - . Tomorrow night .. - . On ..
Oh, boy! l'm so excited!
Just one more day until we can take over the world!
- l don't know if l can sleep, if you know what l mean. - This book is really interesting.
lt talks about how people communicate differently.
Like, l communicate by wanting you to ask me questions...
- and you communicate-- - Hey, that is interesting. Let's fuck!
Saddam, l'm trying to have a nice conversation with you.
- Hey, Satan. - Ohh!
Now, that is just not appropriate!
Aw, come on. l'm just fuckin' with you. lt's not real.
Oh. Well, that's still not appropriate.
- Hey, Satan-- - Ohh!
Ha-ha! lt's not real either! Come on, guy!
[ Sobbing ]
- [ Muffled ] What's wrong? - Oh! [ Sniffles ]
[ Halfhearted Cackling ]
Soon the world will belong to me.
[ Muffled ] No, what's wrong, dude?
lt's Saddam. He doesn't nurture my emotions.
He just wants sex and can't learn to communicate.
- [ Muffled Reply ] - You're right.
l should leave him.
l'm just gonna tell him: ""Saddam, l'm going to Earth to rule alone.""
l'm strong, and l don't need him!
[ Muffled ] Good for you!
[ Call ] . Today's the day for the U.S.O. show .
[ Response ] . We're so happy we get to go .
[ Call ] . l don't know but l been told .
[ Response ] . Canadian pussy is mighty cold ..
lke, you have to stay in the attic.
lf they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp.
Don't worry. We're gonna put an end to this.
Then l'll make Mom come home, and we'll all be a family again.
[ Babbling ] Home.
.. [ Blues ]
[ Knocking ]
[ French Accent ] 'Allo?
Hi. We need to speak with the Mole.
l'm sorry. The Mole is grounded.
He can't come out and play.
- What? - He's a kid?
He said very naughty things about God.
Well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please?
Well, all right. Cristoph!
Hi. We're gonna rescue Terrance and Phillip from the U.S.O. show and we--
- [ French Accent ] Shh! Who are you? Who sent you? - That Gregory kid.
You intend to break into the U.S.O. show...
filled with thousands of soldiers...
and break out Terrance and Phillip?
- l thought it was a stupid idea too. - We're La Resistance.
We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
l can't help you. l'm grounded.
So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
- Why are you grounded? - Why? Because God hates me, that's why.
He has made my life miserable...
so l call him a cock-sucking asshole, and l get grounded.
- So, will you help us? - Very well.
Meet me in the backyard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance.
- We'll show God we're not gonna fucking take anymore of His-- - [ Mother ] What?
- Cristoph, get in here! - Coming, Mother.
l must be strong. l must be strong.
Saddam, l need to talk to you.
Hey, you'd better get packin', bitch!
- We have to go! We're running out of time! - [ Sighs ]
Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much...
but still know they aren't right for you.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - You treat me like shit!
l'm leaving you. l'm going up to Earth to rule alone.
[ Gasps ] No! No, you can't do that!
l'm sorry, but l have to be strong.
Satan, please, give me another chance! l have to go to Earth!
-You don't even have any respect for me. -Ah, sure l do, guy.
Please, just hear me out.
. Some people say that l'm a bad guy .
. They may be right .
. But it's not as if l don't try .
. l just fuck up .
. Try as l might .
. But l can change l can change .
. l can learn to keep my promises l swear it .
. l'll open up my heart and l will share it .
. Any minute now l will be born again .
. Yes, l can change l can change .
- . l know l've been a dirty little bastard . - . La-la-la, la-la-la-la .
. l like to kill l like to maim .
. Yes, l'm insane, but it's okay 'cause l can change .
. lt's not my fault that l'm so evil .
. lt's society .
. Society .
. You see, my parents were sometimes abusive .
. And it made a prick of me .
. But l can change l can change .
. What if you remain a sandy little butthole .
Hey, Satan!
. Don't be such a twit Mother Teresa won't have shit on me .
. Just watch, just watch me change .. Here l go! l'm changing!
Hey!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Ah.
You see? l've really matured.
- Oh, all right. - All right!
- Come on. We have to hurry. - l love ya.
- .. [ Fanfare ] - [ Emcee ] Ladies and gentlemen of the American army...
welcome to the U.S.O. show!
Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities...
followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip!
- .. [ Continues ] - [ Cheering Continues ]
This is the U.S.O. show...
where those military bitches intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.
- Oh, my God! - God? He is the biggest bitch of them all.
We have to hurry. We rendezvous with the other kids at 10:00.
You realize that by doing this...
we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks.
- We're willing to take that risk. - [ Mole ] Then let's go.
[ Emcee ] And now, here are your hosts for the evening...
Sheila Broflovski and Big Gay Al!
.. [ Fanfare ]
Al, tonight is a very special night.
- Do you know why? - Ooh! They're having a sale at Merv's?
[ Laughter, Cheering ]
No. Because we're going to abolish Canadian smut.
That's right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned!
[ Sheila ] Today is a great day for democracy!
Oh, Phillip, this is worse than that night l fell asleep...
and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
l know, Terrance. l know.
Well, Sheila, while you're getting set up over there...
let's bring out our first act...
Yippie, the back-flipping dog!
- .. [ Circus ] - [ Yipping ]
Be careful not to touch this wire.
- Aaah! Motherfu-- - [ Zapping ]
Aaah! Fuck-- Aaah!
- [ Muffled Swearing ] - [ Zapping Continues ]
Shit. The U.S.O show has started. We are running out of time.
Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
Yes, but they are heavily guarded.
We have to dig from here so as not to be seen. Come on, bitches.
- Hey, Mole, you know where the clitoris is? - The what?
l have to find the clitoris so l can get this Wendy girl to like me again.
You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes!
Because l am not going to be grounded again! Not for you, not for anybody!
Men, when you're out there in the battlefield...
and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian...
as he charges you with his hockey stick, or whatever he has...
and people are dying all around you...
just remember what the M.P.A.A. says:
Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!
That is what this war is all about!
- [ Cheering ] - What?
- Shit. - [ Soldiers Chattering ]
Move. Move.
Okay, we will split up here.
- Let's synchronize watches. - We don't have watches.
- You don't have watches? - Dude, you didn't say anything about watches.
What do you think this is, TV kiddie hour...
where we all sit around and lick Barney the Dinosaur's pussy?
This is real life with consequences you take to the grave!
- Dude, we don't have watches! - Shit. Did you bring the mirror?
- Got it. Check. - And the rope?
- And the ""butt for""? - What's a ""butt for""?
For pooping, silly.
Listen carefully. l will dig under the stage.
With that bedrock, l will need more time.
Stan and Kyle, stall the show any way you can.
Keep that show going until l get the prisoners.
- Okay. - Cartman, over there is the electrical box.
You must shut it off before l return with Terrance and Phillip...
or the alarms will sound and l will be attacked by guard dogs.
- Got it? - Okay.
You must shut off the alarms. l fucking hate guard dogs.
l heard you the first time, you British piece of shit-- Aaaah!
lf anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.
What's a dying giraffe sound like?
[ lmitates Giraffe Bleating ]
- 'Kay. - Let's go.
- Be careful, dude. - ""Careful""?
Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger...
while l was still in the womb?
Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up.
- How are those chairs coming, Sheila? - Al, we're minutes away.
Super! ln the meantime, here's pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene...
Winona Ryder!
- Hi, guys! - Yea!
l'm super-psyched to be here today.
What you're doing for our country is so cool.
l mean, war, man. Wow. War.
You know? Wow.
Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick!
[ Popping ]
Oh, my!
[ lmitating Mole ] ""Shut off the power, Cartman. This is very important, Cartman.""
- Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryder's doing? - Oh, we can't miss this!
[ Popping Continues ]
There, l didn't miss one. That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!
- .. [ Coda ] - Eh-heh.
Well, that's all the acts we have for you tonight...
so let's just get on with the execution!
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - Oh, no. We have to stall him.
- More! More! - [ All ] Yeah, more!
Oh, you big sillies! You want to see more of me?
- Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al! - [ Cheering ]
[ All ] Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
Well, l do have a little song l wrote about the war. Oh, but we haven't rehearsed.
- Sing it! - [ All ] Yeah, sing it!
- Oh, l can't. - [ Kyle ] Sing the fucking song!
Well, all right. lf you insist, l'll sing my song.
l believe it goes a little bit like this.
. Bombs are flying People are dying .
. Children are crying Politicians are lying too .
. Cancer is killing Texaco's spilling .
. The whole world's gone to hell But how are you .
. l'm super Thanks for asking .
. All things considered l couldn't be better l must say .
. l'm feeling super No, nothing bugs me .
. Everything is super when you're .
. Don't you think l look cute in this hat .
. l'm so sorry Mr. Cripple .
. But l just can't feel too bad for you right now .
. Because l'm feeling so insanely super .
. That even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down .
[ Chorus ] . He's super Thanks for asking .
. All things considered he couldn't be better he must say .
. l'm super No, nothing bugs me .
- Whoo! - . Everything is super when you're .
. Don't you think l look cute in this hat These little pants .
. This matching tie that l got at Merv's .
- . l'm super . - . He's in the barracks and the trenches as well .
- Stick 'em up! - . Big Gay Al says Do ask, do tell .
- Diddles! - . Yes, he's super and he's proud to be fey .
- Okay? - . Everything is super when you're .
. Gay .
. When you're gay ..
- [ Cheering ] - [ Together ] Again! Again!
- [ Beeping ] - Wh-- Who's there? l--
- [ Muffled ] - Son of a gun! Heck!
- [ Continues, Muffled ] - They're coming?
- But our moms won't listen to us! - [ Muffled Yelling ]
Aa-aa-aah!
Okay, everybody.
Just want to take a minute to thank our wonderful sponsors-- [ Continues, lndistinct ]
- He's almost got 'em. - Shh! We are here to rescue you.
- After l release you, follow me through the tunnel. - Hey, guys, seriously--
- What, Cartman? - Kenny-- l saw Kenny again.
- Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman? Cartman? - Whoops.
- [ Alarm Blaring ] - Oh, shit! [ lmitates Dying Giraffe ]
Hey, did you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there.
- [ Light Clicks ] - Aah! Shit!
- A spy! - Get him!
- [ Barking ] - Shit! Shit!
- [ Yipping ] - Oh, no.
- Come on, Mole. Come on. - Shit! Shit!
- [ Barking Continues ] - Fucking guard dogs! Shit! The alarms-- they went off.
- Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry. - [ Coughing ] Hold me. lt's so very cold.
- There is no hope now. You must get out of here. - We can't leave without you.
- lt's okay. l'm done for. - No, we can't leave without you. We don't know where we are!
Where is your God when you need him? Huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?
[ Coughs ] Here l come, God. Here l come, you fucking rat. [ Coughs ]
. Now the light, she fades .
. And darkness settles in .
- . But l will find strength . - No, Mole. Hang on.
- . l will find pride within . - We'll get you home.
- . Because although l die . - l can't face my mother.
- . Our freedom will be won . - Not alone.
. Though l die .
. La Resistance lives .
. On .. [ Death Rattle ]
Shit!
Okay, folks, here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for: the execution!
[ Cheering ]
- The day is ours! - Super!
Oh, no, dude, it's happening. We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan.
No way, dude. My mom can't see me here.
Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother. Come on.
Gentlemen, do you have any last words?
Last words? Let's see. How's aboot, ""Get me the fuck out of this chair""?
- How's that for last words? - All right, Anonymous.
Ready the switch!
- Wait! - Stanley!
- Eric! - Kyle!
- Go on, dude, tell her. - l-- l can't.
You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
lf they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world.
[ All Laughing ]
Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.
Hey, l'm supposed to be anonymous.
- [ Both Scream ] - Good-bye, bastards!
- No! - [ Terrance Farts ]
- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Cheering ]
The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives!
Come on! We have to shut off the power!
Ow! Fuck! Aiiiee!
Hey! Some little fat kid saved us!
Hey, you guys! Shut it down!
- [ Soldier Screams ] - Shit!
Terrance and Phillip, wait! We have to get you to the rendezvous point!
[ All Screaming ]
Ned, behind you!
- Hey-ohhh! - Ouch!
[ Yipping ]
[ Female Voice ] Be not afraid.
- Oh, my God! - Behold my glory.
- What... are you? - l am the Clitoris.
The Clitoris? l did it! l found the Clitoris!
Stan, you must not let Terrance and Phillip's blood be spilled on the ground.
Wait. You're supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
There are more important matters right now.
No way, dude. l looked all over for you, and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself.
Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.
Chicks love confidence.
Now go. Hurry. The Clitoris has spoken.
Stan! Stan, are you okay?
l see you've failed in your mission. l should not have sent a boy to do a man's job.
Come on, everyone. We've got precious little time.
- Die, Canadian, m'kay? - [ Grunts ]
- Did you hear that, Terrance? l farted. - You did? Just now?
[ Both Cackling ]
- Terrance and Phillip! - We have to get you to the rendezvous point!
- [ Cartman ] Hey, it's Mr. Garrison. - [ Coughs ]
Children, take M-Mr. Hat, please. Get him out of here.
Holy shit! Yaagh! Hey, this V-chip is getting all screwy!
Take cover in the trench!
Human Shield up front, then Operation Get Behind The Darkies.
Remember, Human Shield, protect our tanks and planes too.
- Holy Mother of Jehoshaphat! - Fire on my command!
All right, squad. Just like l told you.
One... two...
- ls some people gonna die? - Fire!
- three! - What in the--
- Great plan, Chef. - Operation Human Shield, my ass!
My God. This is terrible.
This is what we wanted.
We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment.
[ Stan's Mom ] But we didn't want this!
Where are you going?
We're going to find our boys.
For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!
Kyle, all those times l said you were a big, dumb Jew-- l didn't mean it.
- You're not a Jew. - [ Man Screams ]
Yes, l am! l am a Jew, Cartman!
No, no, Kyle. Don't be so hard on yourself.
What the hell am l still holding this for?
- [ Mr. Garrison ] Mr. Hat! No-o-o! - Fuck this, dude!
- l'm getting out of here before l get in really big trouble! - l heard that!
- Stan! - Dude, l found the Clitoris.
Now l think l can get Wendy to like me again.
- Oh, that's swell, Stan. - Yeah, l guess all's well that ends well, huh?
- We can go home now. You dipshit! - Ow!
- What's wrong with this thing? - Come on. We can't let Terrance and Phillip die...
or else the whole world's gonna end!
- Terrance, look! - There they are!
- Oh, Phillip! We're done for! - All right, men-- fire!
- Good-bye, Terrance. - [ Weapons Cocking ]
- What is this? - Don't shoot.
l'll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now!
- Kyle! - l'm not gonna let you kill them, Mom.
- What, what, what? - l'm not moving.
- Yeah. Uh-huh. - Me too.
Stand down, children. You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
No! This is about more than fart jokes.
This is about freedom of speech, about censorship...
and... stuff.
What about lke? Huh, Mom? Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian?
[ Soldiers Gasp ]
l'm-- l-l-l'm doing very important things.
But, Mom, you never took the time to talk to me.
Whenever l get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else.
But l'm the one to blame. Deal with me.
You keep going off and fighting all these causes, but l don't want a fighter.
l want my Mom.
[ Sobbing ] Poor little fella!
No-o-o!
- [ Gunshot ] - Terrance!
- Holy shit, dude! - Young man, you watch your mouth!
[ All Screaming ]
[ Roaring ] My time has come!
You are really fucked now!
lt's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
[ Laughing ] What a dumb-ass!
[ Fearful Yelping ]
You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of darkness.
Oh, good job, Mrs. Broflovski. Thanks a lot.
l was just trying to make the world a better place for children.
Yeah! And you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming.
Now, everyone, bow down to me!
[ Laughing ] Yeah! Bend over!
- Oh, what have we done? - Saddam, l'm the dark ruler, not you.
Relax, bitch. You're better seen, not heard.
- [ Muffled ] Satan, you gotta do something! - l can't.
Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-fucker!
[ Groaning ]
Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authorit-ay!
- Aah! - Yipe.
Hey! You need to watch your mouth, brat!
Dogshit taco!
Aah! Uhhh!
- Quick, Satan! Do something! - Try this on for size.
Blood-drenched frozen tampon Popsicle!
[ Yelping ]
Hey, buddy, l know l was mean before. But don't worry-- l can change.
- Oh! - Okay...
- [ All Gasp ] - Not! [ lnhales Deeply ]
Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy...
cock, butthole, Barbra Streisand!
[ Screaming ]
What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him!
Come on, you weak, stupid cum bucket! Save me!
That's it! l have had enough of you!
[ Screaming ]
Hey, guy! Relax!
Gaah! [ Groans ]
He spent so much time convincing me l was weak and stupid...
that l... believed it myself.
l have you to thank, little one. You showed me that l had to get away from him.
Just make any wish you want and l shall grant it.
- [ Muffled ] - [ All Gasp ]
- Are you sure, Kenny? - What did he say?
He said that his wish is for everything to go back the way it was before this horrible war.
Kenny, you realize that means you'd go back too.
[ Muffled ] l know. [ Continues, lndistinct ]
Well, very well, then. l will pull all my minions back.
l'm guess l'm destined to live in hell... alone.
Hello. What's this?
Hi there, little guy.
Would you like to go to Hell with me?
Sure. l bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.
Feel free to come back and visit us anytime you want, Satan.
l just might do that.
- Thank you, Kenny. - Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. You're a real pal.
Good-bye, you guys.
[ Demons Screeching ]
l-- l'm alive. Where's Mr. Hat?
Wow. We were all dying, and now we're fine. That's super!
What the fuck's going on?
You see, Mom? After all that, it was Cartman's filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.
l'm sorry l didn't pay attention to you, Kyle. Mm-mm!
- Mm-mm! - Blee-aagh!
- But, Wendy, what about Gregory? - Oh, Stan, l never really cared for Gregory.
- You didn't? - No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear!
Yea! Thank you, Clitoris.
. Everything worked out What a happy end .
. Americans and Canadians are friends again .
- . So let's all join hands and knock oppression down . - . Good Lordy, l'm found .
. Don't you know Our little lives are now complete .
- . 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet . - . Super sweet .
. Thank God we live in this quiet, little .
. Pissant, redneck podunk, jerkwater .
. Greenhorn, one-horse mudhole, peckerwood .
. Right-wing, whistle-stop hobnail, truck-driving .
. Old-fashioned, hayseed inbred, unkempt .
. Out-of-date, out-of-touch white-trash, kick-ass .
. Mountain .
. Town ..
Look!
. Brian, skate .
. What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now .
. He'd make a plan and he'd follow through .
. That's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. Brian, skate .
. Brian, fight .
. When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the gold .
. He did two salchows and a triple lutz wearing a blindfold .
. When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears .
. He used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair .
. Brian, skate .
. Brian, yeah .
. So what would Brian Boitano do if he was here today .
. l'm sure he'd kick an arse or two .
. That's what Brian Boitano'd do .
. Brian, skate .
. Brian, hey .
. When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010 .
. He fought the evil robot king and saved us all again .
. And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan .
. 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody .
No, Brian! Those chicken wings are really spicy!
Don't eat those!
. l never seen a man eat so many chicken wings .
. Brian, skate, Brian .
. 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do ..
. The eyes of a child .
. So innocent and pure .
. A child's heart is full of song .
. Take their tiny hand .
. And lead them to the light .
. As adults we see pain in the world .
. And it sometimes don't seem right .
. But through the eyes of a child .
. The world seems magical .
. There's a sparkle in their eyes .
. They've yet to realize .
. The darkness in their soul .
. The beauty of their smile .
. Adventurous and wild .
. Life is kind of gay but it doesn't seem that way .
. Through the eyes of a child .
. So don't give up .
. Even when the road seems long .
. Just find that child inside of you .
. Yeah, you've got to find you .
. Spread your wings and fly .
. To the brightest star .
. lf you want l can even get my friend Steve .
. To detail your car for, like, 20 bucks .
. But through the eyes of a child .
. The world seems magical .
. There's a sparkle in their eyes .
. They've yet to realize .
. The darkness in their soul .
. The beauty of their smile .
. Adventurous and wild .
. Sure, life is kind of gay but it doesn't seem that way .
- . Through the eyes of a child . - . Through the eyes Through the eyes .
. Through the eyes of a child .
. The world seems magical .
. There's a sparkle in their eyes .
. They've yet to realize .
. The bastards they really are .
. The beauty of their smile .
. Adventurous and wild .
. Sure, life is kind of gay but it doesn't seem that way .
. Through the eyes of a child ..
[ Squeaking ]
Guys out there is hurted.